When I was younger I always envisioned having children, but they honestly served more as accessories in my daydreams than as real people. So along that line of thinking you can imagine what a wake up call real children were. I spent years babysitting or spending time with children, but I always got to leave them behind and resume my own life. And even now that I am a mother I still feel a bit that way. As if I am waiting for someone to spell me and no one comes.The three times I have been away from my children in the last four years it has been a bit of a renewal for me. As the days to myself passed I became more and more of who I was. I began to shower more often, brush my teeth, wear nicer clothes. I came back to myself. I missed my three boys of course. It was as if I was doomed. I could either have myself or my family. I know it will not always be this way, but it is where I am right now. You really can't have it all. Starting next month Sam and Ben will be home with me much more during the week. These tough economic times are affecting all of us and we are not exempt. I am very nervous about this change. I have always been very forthright about the fact that I am not SAHM material. And here I will be: stay at home mom by day and working mom by night. Any little sense of self I have remaining is threatened into distinction. So what is all of this rambling about? I really have no idea. Just the feeling that I am on the brink of change and unsure of what it will bring.