A Letter for My Boys

Dear Ben and Sam:It seems like it has been way too long since I have written you both a little letter. I had a draft of one I started in January, but never finished. I had an outline of things I wanted to cover and reading it only 5 months later has been interesting because I have already forgotten half of the stuff you did just a couple of months ago. Ben: You used to insist that we take a detour to take you to school so that you could see this tree sculpture in front of this ultra modern house. You called it the spooky tree. You have started helping out by setting the table and letting the dogs in and out. For a brief period you were obsessed with this tacky bulldog statue that we received as a wedding gift from a relative. You called him 'Bah' and brought him everywhere and even slept with him. You are obsessed with video games. I love it when you are playing a game with dad and you tell him what to do. You love books and are often found sitting on the floor surrounded by them. You are becoming such a little boy--talking in funny voices and saying 'watch this'. You still refuse to go on the potty and it has become a power struggle. I keep telling myself that one day you will wake up and be ready. I still believe this, but now worry that it will be when you are in middle school. Now you are constantly saying "awesome dude", which is driving me up the wall. You are a sensitive child and I see so much of me at your age in you. And when I am yelling or losing my temper one look at you breaks my heart, because I can see exactly what you are feeling. I struggle daily to be a good parent and some days I do better than others. You deserve so much more than I seem able to give you. Mothers always seemed so selfless to me and I am anything but selfless. I am grateful that you have such a good and present father. I hope that will help in the areas I am weak in. I told myself when you were born that I would need to be vigilant to keep the constant depression at bay. I would need to take care of myself in order to be there for you. But I struggle to be well and to balance the person you need me to be and the person I am. Most of the mothers I know do not seem to flinch at their new roles and the loss of many of their liberties. I chafe constantly at the ropes I feel that bind me. Do you really need to know all of this? Probably not. But perhaps when you are older it may explain my mercurial personality and mood swings. And maybe you will not blame yourself and realize that my being weak did not make me love you any less. Sam: You are quite the little character. You seem to think we are all completely mad and you mostly go off on you own. You are extremely independent and stubborn. You come over to me for a quick cuddle and then once your needs have been met you are off on another adventure. You are giggly and ticklish. You still only say CAR and TUCKER and are obviously frustrated by not being able to communicate. I keep trying to teach you some signs but you seem to prefer screaming as a mode of communication. Awhile ago you were obsessed with this game our friend Kell taught you. You would hit your forehead against mine and then say BOOM OUCH. You could play this for hours although it sure hurt my head because you did not hold back. You love to 'help' around the house which is of course a bit of a nightmare. You seem somewhat oblivious to those around you with the exception of Ben who you adore. You are both becoming such handsome and caring boys. My only hope is to do right by you both. Love, Mom