I am reading this book called The Mommy Brain about how motherhood supposedly makes us smarter. I must admit that I have my doubts. I used to be scrupulous about appointments. I had the memory of an elephant. I could no more imagine forgetting an appointment than forgetting my gender. Since I have been pregnant I have fogotten one acupuncture appointment and 3 (yes THREE) appointments with my shrink. I think he is going to fire me as his client. And who can blame him? He must be so bored with making the same phone call continuously."Hello Bonnie. This is Dr. L. I thought we had an appointment today..." And then every time I call him back I explain that I am not usually like this. I am normally very responsible, yadda, yadda. At which point he most likely rolls his eyes and says "yeah, right lady". Now at this point in the story you are going to suggest that I start writing things down in calendars. And I DID! I even remember the appointments the day before, but forget the day of. Josh says that it's because subconsciously I am not putting enough importance on it, but I don't think so. I think it's the REAL mommy brain.
It's the same with worrying. I am not a worrier by nature. And thank God for that because Josh worries enough for the both of us (and half of North America). But since Ben was born I find myself switching teams. Ben usually wakes up by 2:00 to nurse. Last night I keep waking up every hour and looking at the clock. 1:00. 2:00. 3:00. 4:00. And then I knew it. He must be dead. He must have stopped breathing. That's it. End game. And then seven minutes later I hear him cry. And I think, "I knew he was fine". I once asked Josh about all the things he worried about when Ben was inutero and after 5 minutes I had to stop him because, frankly, I was exhausted and tense just listening. So to all you worrying mothers (and fathers) out there, my heart goes out to you.