It's 1:45 in the morning and I am UP. I hate insomnia. There are few guiltless pleasures in my life and sleep has always been one of them. So when it is interrupted (like for the past 6 months) I am an unhappy camper. Yesterday Ben started his childcare share. Few things seem to strike at the heart of so many people I know like the word 'childcare' does. Fo me so much is wrapped up in it. There's my feeling torn between wanting to be with Ben and wanting to have some creative and intellectual fulfillment. (And trust me, some days the term 'intellectual' is stretching it.) I know that when I am happy that I will be a much better parent for Ben, but finding someone to take good care of him is a whole other ballgame.
With the dogs it's easy. Open that crate door. Lure them in with cookies. Give them water. Shut the crate door. Turn on NPR for them to listen to (I live in Berkeley—what the hell were you expecting?) Go out, have fun, no worries. If only it was that easy with Ben.
I had a great feeling about this share and was excited to start it. I REALLY like the other families and Anna, the caregiver, seemed great. But yesterday was an eye opener. Anna had three children (2 14-month olds and 6-month old Ben) and Ben got the short end of the stick. When I came to pick him up after 3 hours he was screaming as I stood outside waiting for someone to come to the door. I could hear him and I never wanted to break down a door so much. And just because he was crying. It was not a SAVE ME SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME cry, but rather a I AM UNHAPPY AT THIS MOMENT cry. But still.
So once I got inside it was clear that Ben was at the bottom on the totem pole of priorities. For those of you who have toddlers you will appreciate that they MUST BE WATCHED AT ALL TIMES and that they are MOBILE. Those of us with infants are still in the 'put them down and come back and they are still in the same place' mode. And loving it. But since Ben is stationary he was also clearly shoved off to the side. He had a tear stained face and crying boogers in his nose. This was my daycare nightmare come true. Needless to say that this sent me into a full-blown whatthefuckamigoingtodoicanneverleavethehouse panic attack. Which then sent me scurrying to make many phone calls in an attempt to remedy the situation as well as a knee-jerk decision to change careers quickly (this will not be happening). Hopefully we will be switching the infants to their own two days. But for now I am sleepless. In Berkeley. Hence the title.
So if you're up, call me. I am up too.