The Standoff

Having children and maintaining sanity in your relationship is really hard and I am failing pretty miserably at the moment. At the end of the day there just isn't enough energy left in me to give to anyone else. And it just feels bad.Josh got home from his business trip on Friday morning and I was brutally reminded of the negotiation game. Everything becomes a battle of wills. Who will take care of the children? Who will change the next soiled diaper? Who will go to the crying baby in the middle of the night? They all become a silent standoff and a game of "Who is most tired?" or "Who is most DESERVING?" So we both become martyrs. If he says he is tired, I explain why I am REALLY tired. If he complains about having been in the airport all night, I say "Well at least you didn't have any children hanging off of you". It is an endless process, with never a victor. I know as it is going on that I should be above it, that I should not engage in this one upmanship. But I do. And then hate the taste in my mouth afterwards. And I don't know where to go from here. Actually, I am too damn tired to do what needs to be done. To talk it through and find a better way. I know we will at some point. I know we will get out of this place we are in. The kids will grow and become more independent, leaving space for us again. But right now that feels so far off and meanwhile the battle ensues.

Sprint

I think the hardest part about Josh being out of town is the bedtime routine. It is like having to be multiple places at the same time. Like tonight we got home from having dinner with the Simons and I had to:carry Sam upstairs let dogs out carry Ben upstairs change Ben's diaper get Ben bottle get Ben in pjs get barking dogs back in feed dogs change Sam nurse Sam This all happens in a ten minute or less period of time, so by the end I feel like I have just sprinted a mile and am exhausted. Usually after I nurse Sam we have several rounds of "Mommy can you lie down with me?" and Sam crying while I am tending to Ben. Luckily tonight they were exhausted so they were both out immediately. Thank God. Josh gets home tonight and I will be thrilled to have another set of hands at bedtime again.

Avenue B Grocery

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One of my favorite places in Austin is the Avenue B Grocery (I couldn't believe it, but they do have a website). My friend Valerie took me there about 15 years ago on a hot summer day and we drank Coke out of glass bottles and sat on the bench in front of the store. I was so happy to see it still there and still the same.

I Want One

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My friend Stephanie is making these fabulous monsters and selling them here. Check it out. I don't know any kid who wouldn't want one. I know where I will be shopping for the next few birthday gifts.

Symphony

I heard the best of all music this morning. It was the sound of my boys laughing with each other in the back of the car. Smiling and laughing. Pure bliss. I started to cry. Quel sap.

Words

An interesting perspective on a writer's place in hollywood. I used to think that the director and actors were of primo importance to a film until I made my own short film and realized how many important roles there are (editor, cinematographer et al) that go completely unacknowledged.

Austin City Limits

We finally got out and about this weekend and tried some new places and did a little exploring. Our sitter Meagan gave us a copy of eat.shop austin which I highly recommend (although I do think they should hire me as their photographer). So we ate not at one trailer restaurant but TWO in the same day. We set out for Flip Happy Crepes on Saturday morning and then made a return visit to Torchy's Tacos in the evening, dragging along the Simons' with us. Then on Sunday, after Josh had departed for the promised land, Ben, Sam and I went to a drumming event at Ruta Maya, which is a great cafe with free kids shows on Sunday mornings. Unfortunately the event was a big disappointment. The guy kept trying to get the kids to 'pay attention' and 'learn', two concepts that are very foreign to one two year-old boy. I even hit up Hey Cupcake on my way home, but they were closed. Quel bummer. So get ready for a butt load of photos from our weekend adventures.FLIP HAPPY CREPES - - - - >

TORCHY'S TACOS - - - - >

RUTA MAYA - - - - >

HEY CUPCAKE! - - - - >

Dilemma

What do you do when your son has dropped his Bob the Builder toy in your morning latte (aka the reason for existing)? Do you pull it out and drink it, ignoring the disgusting places this toy has probably been? You betcha. Too lazy to make another and definitely not going without.

Weekends

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I really love this line from Rachel Cusk's A Life's Work:

What the outside world refers to as 'the weekend' is a round trip ticket to the ninth circle of hell for parents.

This is especially true when their father leaves on Sunday morning for a week long business trip to San Francisco. It's bad enough that he gets to stay in a hotel and not run after kids or change even ONE diaper, but he's in San Francisco. I love Austin, but I miss it there so much.

48 Hours

In the last 48 hours I have cleaned up dog pee three times, dog poop once, dog vomit three times, baby poop up the back once and countless other liquids and excrement. Can't everyone just hold it please? Or at least perform your duty where it is supposed to take place. Thank You, the Management.

Family

Sam was sitting on Josh's knees when Lula abruptly leapt onto Josh and starting giving him some doggie love tongue style. She was a little green monster and so not afraid to let everyone know. Sam just looks like he's thinking "What fresh hell is this?"

A Life's Work

I have been reisiting it. Motherhood I mean. I have been telling myself that nothing has changed. That I can have it all. That I can be happy and creative and a good mom. But I'm stuck. I now know that I can't do it all, but I don't know how to find a middle ground. I can try to do it all or do none of it. I don't know how to be in between. And so I find myself on a Friday afternoon, still in my pajamas and unable to cope with my children or my work. It's like there is nothing left to give either myself or my children. I truly do not know how it is done.The title of the entry is taken from the name of a book on motherhood I read recently by an English woman named Rachel Cusk. It is one of the most honest books that I have read about being a mom yet. I highly recommend it. But it has also rung so true that it has left me a bit bereft. If this is where I am, where do I go from here? How do I find the self I am supposed to be now? When I alone, without my children, I feel guilty and vulnerable. Almost naked. Like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. When I am with them, I want to be somewhere else. I want to be feeding my mind. I want to be gone. I went to a mother's night out a few days ago and there were quite a few new people there. So we were supposed to introduce ourselves, say how old our children are, what they are doing right now that we think is cute, etc. I have never wanted to run out of a room so badly. I thought "Here. Even here, I cannot escape them". And so when it was my turn I said I would not talk about my children and the women looked at me like I was bad. Like I didn't love my children the right way. And I felt wrong. I have to remind myself constantly that I DO love my children. But I love them in my way. My real way. It is the only way I can. It is the best way I can because it is true. It is me. And I am their mother. No one else. I need to find my way. It will take time.